as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i came on her dog
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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