Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
