oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
