He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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