Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
