How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
