We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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