I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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