I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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