Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
