Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize