She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
