Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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