chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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