Since when is my name a synonym for head?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
