Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
