i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
