We named our party play list daddy issues
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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