God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
