The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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