he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
