you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
