I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
