If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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