Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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