I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm really busy with my period
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