I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
