I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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