Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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