checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
