im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
