First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
