Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
