I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
