I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
