Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
