He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
