now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
