What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
