Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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