remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize