I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
