Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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