I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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