my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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