i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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