Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
