I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize