my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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