My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
