Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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