Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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