i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize