i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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