I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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