My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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