Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Randomize
