I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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