I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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