it's too hot outside to masturbate.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
