I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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