My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
meet me or not, i'm out of control
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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